Because I Am An Obnoxious Supporter of The University of Utah

attributed to coloute on Utefans.net.

OK, after hours and hours of study, Here's what I know about BYU.................

Now, I don't claim to be an expert on this or anything, but based upon my Film Study of BYU's defense, let me relate to you what can be easily discerned, and hopefully exploited.BYU (AKA, "The BYU", "The Brig", "Breed-em Young","The Zoo","Joe's Joy-Joy Factory","The World's Only Non-Drug Induced 4-Year Euphoria", and "The Mating Ritual So Bizarre that Even National Geographic Won't Cover It.")
BYU is an All-Girls school specializing in the socialization of recovering nymphomaniacs who aren't hot enough to make it as East Coast nannys, cheerleaders with both eating and attention deficit disorders (you know, the ones who turn "binge and purge" into "binge and .... 'Ooooohh, American Idol's on'"), and sensitive spirits who just can't contain the flow of tears brought on by the love sub-plot in "Teen Wolf Too."
It was founded in 1970 by a former top Lieutenant from the East German Stasi, who discovered that if you insert a pixie stick into a twinkie, shove it into your nasal sinuses and inhale, you can turn a patch of barren dessert into a magical realm where faeries and happy green elves play. He acquired a Chalk Board, a leather bound copy of the Work and the Glory, and nailed a sign to an iron gate stating, "Übereinstimmung ist, Was Sie Verschieden Macht" (Absolute Conformity is What Makes You Different) and the glorious academy was born.
Today, more than 27,000 souls are blessed each day by the three-fold mission of the LDS Church's Flagship Institution:
1) Provide a partially research-based education in an environment free of the five greatest wickednesses of society: facial hair, visible knee-caps, foot-worn paths in the grass, NCAA Tournament victories, and research.
2) Develop innovative methods for: A - Consuming dairy based snack foods, B - Masking male-pattern-baldness C - Side-stepping the prevalent "hook-up" culture at other universities by having just as many orgasms without technically "having sex."
3) Fat Chicks Need Lovin' Too.
So I hope that this will provide the team and coaches with a little bit of technical insight into this little piece of Orwellian heaven on earth.

Oh, and GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. don't let my fiancee read this, it's a touchy subject in our relationship. I think though, now she realizes that my hatred for BYU is irrational, and there's nothing personal about it.

Oh, and a joke..."Being a BYU fan is like competing in the Special Olympics...even if you win, you're still retarded" (hold off on the angry comments on that one, I know it's insensitive. Just laugh. I don't harbor ill feelings to people with special needs)